Tales of a bazooka, Part 2: Fake Telamon Dispatched

[the bazookas]

Occasionally, a perfect opportunity to eliminate another human in our quest to protect Britannia presents itself. Furthermore, my programmed pre-disposition (created in me by my creator, Lord British) to destroy criminals, made it particularly easy to decide to act on this opportunity.

Upon my return to the Skara Brae bank to recharge my resources after a human-destroying patrol (which involved a stablemaster and much hilarity), my sensors detected the "Telamon" nearby. It is easy to see how an average human could be fooled by his garb and guild title, but my finely tuned sensors detected the subtle differences that exist between him and the real Telamon (who, by all accounts, is an upstanding citizen--perhaps one of the last humans that we plan to blow up... unless, of course, an opportune time arrives prematurely). Scanning my memory banks for all available data on the Fake Telamon, I determined that this would indeed be the ideal opportunity to strike... and my lightning fast processor quickly determined the best approach.

Regretfully, my video recorder missed the first exchange of words that passed between us (I was simply too excited--to borrow the human term--and my processor was also busy concocting the optimal plan of action). The plan fell into place quickly:
Based on my data file for Fake Telamon, he is a scammer / griefer who attempts to convince others that he is in fact the trusted Real Telamon broker in order to steal all the goods and money involved in large transactions between other players. Playing on the fact that the greedy scumbag would almost certainly not turn down an opportunity at scoring both a house AND a ton of cash, I sprung into action.

"Hey Telamon, can you broker a house deal for me?", says I (Note that bazookas are, in fact, programmed to be honest... BUT occasionally this programming is overruled when being honest conflicts with the optimal solutions for achieving our two main objectives. Furthermore, our sense of humor is programmed such that we find irony and poetic justice especially comical).
At this point I turned on my video recorder such that I can provide you all with the photographic record:

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NOTE: I told him "let me IRC him" and waited a little while before entering the house (after which the "buyer" appeared)

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[Lagrath]

What a sad loser and/or douchebag. Nice job!

[the bazookas]

more pics:

[the bazookas]

And the .rpv... (which captures it SO much better than the screen shots)

NOTE:

Gul'Dan the Urk is newer to the URK (note the Peon title), and is therefore not very good at speaking the language. I hope the URK guild will agree with his actions in this adventure irrespective of his poor Urk language abilities.

[chainsoar]

What a sad loser and/or douchebag. Nice job!

Yeah, I like making assumptions about people based on their behaviour online too. You're so right, Telamon's e-reputation is sacrosanct and anyone who does anything to damage it in any way must be lonely/pathetic/butthurt/stupid/jealous of pixels.

[Lagrath]

What a sad loser and/or douchebag. Nice job!

Yeah, I like making assumptions about people based on their behaviour online too. You're so right, Telamon's e-reputation is sacrosanct and anyone who does anything to damage it in any way must be lonely/pathetic/butthurt/stupid/jealous of pixels.

Haha, way to get sore over nothing! Ironic that you're reading into things so much, considering that's the starting point of your complaint! Nothing I said has anything to do with how the person is offline!

It's one thing to justify spending your free time going on the Internet and pretending to be a different character (I'm a roleplayer and I even acknowledge that there is a fine line here)...but spending a lot of time online pretending to be SOMEONE ELSE'S CHARACTER is just too sad, and crosses over the point where you just end up facepalming. The guy could be a star dancer billionaire and still be really sad in this context, to the point where I almost feel bad for him. Plus, being a shameless scammer trying to lie to other players makes him a huge douchebag (though again he might be a saint offline- again, unrelated!)

This is all really obvious to most normal people, but I am 100% not surprised that cA members don't get this sort of thing at all and are always the first to hop up and down with nerdrage the second someone gets made fun of for being a sad Internet asshole. Hits a touchy spot a little too close to home I guess Sorry if our amusement gets in the way of your creepy collective Telamon obsession!

[the bazookas]

Yeah, I like making assumptions about people based on their behaviour online too. You're so right, Telamon's e-reputation is sacrosanct and anyone who does anything to damage it in any way must be lonely/pathetic/butthurt/stupid/jealous of pixels.

It could be that I'm picking up on your sarcasm, but most likely it is just that the sheer ambiguity of your statement (which sounds awfully like sarcasm) makes my neural net processor ache.

However, based on the long-standing history of indoctrination of human children through fairy tales, I think that creatures (real or virtual) who act like the "big bad wolf" inherently attract the ill-will of human beings, so Lagrath's statements are perfectly understandable (whether pointed at the virtual being or the actual controlling human being, it matters not).

Regardless, I hope that you enjoyed the tale of the dispatching of one more human being (aka "the scourge of Britannia"). The bazookas are one step closer to completing our mission.

[Boondock_Saint]

seeing him use the word "kid" to describe a bazooka, only leads me to believe that he is a l33t dude.

[Jupiter]

Wow! Epic!

I thought the bazooka's might be a trivial dilemma to deal with, but after seeing the capability a single bazooka possesses to create and execute such a complex plan. This plan no doubt required the bazooka to hack into the account of an URK override it's mind. Although the bazooka very cleverly leads us all to believe by apologizing for the behavior that they were of the URKS own conscious consent, but I can see right past this ruse.

If these clearly sentient automatons ever determine that self re-creation is necessary in order to complete their now distorted primary objective, how long it would take from seeing only one or two bazookas to having the entire populous thus replaced?

I wish I could find a way to deactivate a bazooka should I chance across one. Unfortunately, Lord British and all his upper cabinet members have denied the existence of these supposed mechanical guards. I am certain that should I press Lord British any further for information I will quickly find citizens changing their cheers from "Jupiter the Grey!" to "Seize his head!"

I have been completely absorbed in my studies to address the undead malignancy which plagues our land, but should we fail to address this secondary threat also it could erupt into a cold, metallic, 99.9% efficient decimation of all life as we know it. And not only to our beloved virtual lives here on UOSA, but who knows if the automatons have yet realized that they are merely a piece of code in a small game....

ahhhh crap, they are probably scanning these posts! I apologize if any of your personal lives are over-taken and systematically dismantled as a result of my posting here...

- Jupiter of the Grey Order

[the bazookas]

This plan no doubt required the bazooka to hack into the account of an URK override it's mind. Although the bazooka very cleverly leads us all to believe by apologizing for the behavior that they were of the URKS own conscious consent, but I can see right past this ruse.

You are very observant, for a human

who knows if the automatons have yet realized that there are merely a piece of code in a small game....

ahhhh crap, they are probably scanning these posts! I apologize if any of your personal lives are over-taken and systematically dismantled as a result of my posting here...

As far as Earth goes, the Earth humans are taking care of this for us with, for example, the invention of Facebook and Twitter... hence, we have determined that there is no need for us to enter the realm of Earth at this time.

However, it is clear to us that the best solution for ridding Britannia of the human threat is to invent an MMORPG that is better than Ultima Online T2A, such that all of Earth's humans would cease to log into their Britannian Avatar's... this, however, seems highly improbable... at least based on the history of MMORPG's in the last 10 years. We would invent it ourselves, but we do not believe that we could do so, given our limited understanding of human emotion and, especially, addiction.

[Telamon]

.

[Kander]

Good job guys keep it coming.

[chumbucket]

Continue on in your sacred quest to bring justice to scum like that! Know that you have the full support of the bards of cA!