chumbucket's Tales of Adventure: Orcish Edition

[chumbucket]

An Act in Two Parts (with FAQ)

I recently came across and dispatched a group of NPC orcs. The loot included a ring tunic and an orc helm. An idea struck! Why don't I pretend to be an orc? Surely there is fun to be had in that! And there was.

Part One: The Adventure of Erek the Orc

I was all dressed up and ready to go. All I needed was a name. Mark. No. John. No. Edwin. No. Erek? Erek the Orc. Thanks disguise kit! The West Britain bank, alas, was more or less empty. I would need find adventure elsewhere. After a quick run to the Vesper strip, I soon found it.

Enter naganoo (whose name I've almost certainly misspelled). I walk up to him and get in character: *snort* But he's not one to be intimidated by mere orcs! Indeed, he demands that I give him one hundred gold. What's going on here?! A quick peek in his pack shows he is carrying little. A few reagents, some fish steaks, a Refresh pot. He has a halberd equipped. I think, "I'll just need to steal something and surely I can provoke him in to his own death," but before I can even act *naganoo is attacking you* What?! This fellow is out for blood.

Those hally hits land harder than am prepared for. Thirty to forty damage every shot. Ouch. In between quarter staff shots to the face, I steal the refresh and start in on the fish. I'm going for the ol' wear em down move. He finally realizes that he's in trouble and bounds North? Away from town? This is a baffling encounter.

He doesn't bound far though. A few more good shots to the face drops him. And some crap loot is my reward. Fish, ten to twelve of each reagent. That stupid halberd that is an eminently accurate halberd of vanquishing. Wait. What?

Others arrive on the scene. I can't tell if they're there to help or if they just happened along, but, regardless, the first rule of thieving is GO BANK THE LOOT. And so I do. As I run back from the bank, I pass a naked naganoo brandishing a bardiche. Here's the thing about bardiches. As a thief, you always take notice when someone has one. There is no reason to use one unless it is magic. And it is. Indeed, it is vanquishing! A naked, horseless man with a vanquishing bardiche. What to do?

I don't exactly recall what happened next, but I do recall naganoo attacking me as a few helpers threw in heals for him. But they quickly tired of this foolishness and left. Obviously, I was soon at the bank with a new bardiche.

Everyone returns to the strip, including Malsterium. He has a few unidentified weapons in his back so I help myself to the pick axe. And he immediately sets in--not with weapons or magic but words: "You are so fuckind stupid. Why would you steal a bunch of crap like that? That is a shitty weapon. You are fucking retarded!" Well, it goes on, but you get the drift.

A second rule of thieving is that an angry mark is a dumb mark. Naturally, I have to push this along. ee not dum ummie. erk erk. I don't recall exactly what I said, but it was mostly in that vein. erk erk So the Corp Pors start flying. Now how am I, a mere thief disguised as an orc, to stand up to mighty power of a bard with two healers in tow? Well, a bard with two healers can only do so much without those precious red potions. A set of black clothing and hundreds of reagents are my reward.

I also got all those unidentified magic weapons. But Malsterium was right. They did suck.


Part Two: Elek the Orc, A Dialogue

Poor Erek ended up meeting his doom at the hands of someone or other. But enter Elek the Orc! He runs to town after having healed a skeleton at the Britain graveyard. bank'u. Thou may not access thy bank account, as thou art a criminal. Drats.

*Shatterstar is attacking you* He hits hard. And he ought to, he has a vanquishing warfork. Now I have two options. I can either fight him man to man, no holds barred, to the bitter end, my eminently accurate war hammer with 12 shots of daemon's breath, orc helm and ring tunic versus his warfork of vanquishing, full set of chain armor and backpack full of potions, bandages and reagents. Or I can run around, trying to steal his fork when he unequips it. Alas, after ten or so minutes of trying, I never managed to snag that fork, but I did have a wonderful conversation which I have captured for your reading pleasure.

* Elek has joined #secondage
<Onslaught> if thats how you plan on stealing weapons you might wanna make it less obvious
<Onslaught> tool
<Elek> dum ummie
<Elek> "why u not stand still so i kil pls oh pls"
<Onslaught> you honest to god ran in circles around brit for 30 minutes
* Tilk has joined #secondage
<Elek> "why not stand still? I cn't hit u if u move"
<Onslaught> perfect example of why Ren actually got patched
<Onslaught> its fucking horseshit that people can just run all day
<Elek> "u no pvper if u not stand still uruk"
<Elek> "no can kill mover"
<Onslaught> dont even know what youre fucking saying
<Elek> "stand still!"
<Onslaught> go condition your horse or something
<Elek> great uruk god say: "just don't stand still; hummie can't win"
<Onslaught> great onslaught say: ROLE PLAYING IS FOR FAGGOTS
<Melchior|T2A> lol
<Elek> "pls stand still I can'tz hit u"
<Melchior|T2A> horses are disposable anyway
<Onslaught> its not about fucking standing still
<Elek> "I haz magic froks but u won't stand stillz"
<Onslaught> its about not turning pvp into a olympic fucking event
<Onslaught> OH GOD HES HITTING ME, GOGO GADGET ROCKET BOTOS
<Elek> "pls stands still"
<nOgAnOo> Elek
<nOgAnOo> I'm gonna pwn u and all your friends.
<Elek> u gib weapons to urk
<nOgAnOo> You talk like idiots because you are idiots.
<nOgAnOo> Did you know that?
<Onslaught> youre not even in the fucking urk guild
<Onslaught> thats the worst part
<Onslaught> youre fucking role playing in IRC
<Onslaught> but youre not an urk
<Onslaught> you're not guilded, you're not following the rules
<Elek> "pls stand still"
<nOgAnOo> Wow.
<Onslaught> if youre going quote something, at least be accurate
<nOgAnOo> You are gayer than AIDS
<Elek> "pls stand still"
<Onslaught> I think it was more like "you're a fucking coward"
<Onslaught> "so dumb"
<nOgAnOo> Elek where are you?
<Elek> "why no stand still"
<Melchior|T2A> lmao it's chumbucket
<Onslaught> i knew it was
<Melchior|T2A> • Whois info for Elek (Normal)
<Melchior|T2A> • Full name : chumbucket
<Melchior|T2A> • End of whois info for Elek
<hemperor> <Elek> lol
<Onslaught> he thinks hes fucking clever
<Onslaught> OH HE DISARMED, ZOOOOOOOOOM
<Onslaught> oh shit he rearmed
<Elek> "pls stand still"
<Melchior|T2A> I thought he was a jeje from the NL shard
<Melchior|T2A> lol


FAQ:

Q: Why don't you stand still when you are almost dead?

A: I don't want to die.


Q: no u fag u know what i mean u move and shit fuck coward!

A: I don't want to die.


Q: ur not even a orc asshole

A: Who's to say in this crazy modern world who is an orc and who isn't. If a man wants to call himself an orc, then who are we to judge?


Q: RP is 4 fags OMG.

A: I am a homosexual and I don't really go in for roleplaying.


Q: What is a "jeje?"

A: I don't know.

[Lofa]

Very Nice Chum!!!!!

[brandonsantacruz]

I fought you a couple times, now I'm ready Bring back the orc!

[Coffee]

This is more like it

[T.G Cid]

You're my idol, Chum.

[Ebolter]

Hahaha! That was one of the funniest things I have ever read online! Sweet

[Mordalf]

ROFLMAO, I may hate what you do, but I love how you do it.

[Lazarus]

Nice work.

One of the things I hate most is fighting a theif.

[uofuntime]

Awesome.

Amazing.

Justice in action.

Q: Why don't you stand still when you are almost dead?

A: I don't want to die.

QTF!

<nOgAnOo> You are gayer than AIDS

and then it reels its ugly head. What a dork.