chumbucket's Tales of Adventure: Failure on the High Seas

[chumbucket]

It has often been said, with only some truth, that I present a one-sided view of my adventures, that I present myself as always PWNING SOME NEWBS OMG. The truth in this is not that I try to make myself look like the best UO player ever, but that when I fail, it usually isn't very entertaining. And so I don't report it. For example, who wants to hear about the fact that I got guardwhacked at West Britain Bank? But today is different. Today, I will tell you a tale of me coming ever so close to a big score, only to die and lose all the precious loot that should of been mine.

My adventure starts in the fine city of Vesper, the city I like to think of as my base of operations. I see a fellow named Khadgar at the bank and I ask him for a favor.

chumbucket: HEY I AM NEW PLEASE GIVE ME GOLD

Khadgar: That was old when you asked it last week.

Now, I know what you are thinking: Do I really talk in all caps? I do when I am pretending to beg. It throws people off. In the time it takes him to respond, I have managed to check his bag and--score!--he has a ship key poorly hidden behind a robe. I make a quick move, get the key in my bag and recall off it. I find myself on a ship in the open sea. Fortune loves me, and I love stealing ships.

What I don't love is finding an unexpected passenger aboard such ships. Gol was his name. He was clearly macroing. I get a sense of my location: I am not far from the Vesper docks in fact. I can't dock the ship until Gol is off the ship. There's only one way to do that. I'll have to kill him. Swabbie, raise anchor and set a course for the docks!

One limitation of being a thief is that you cannot just outright murder someone without losing the ability to steal for an entire week. Fortunately, I have a ready supply of bomb tossers and enough purple pots to kill every macroer in the game two times over. It turns out, however, that my only available bomber is in an undisclosed location far from Vesper and I had, just moments before I stole the key, lost my runebook with the rune to this location. I do a help stuck to get my guy to Vesper and recall back to the bank to pick up my bombs.

Fortune is on my side. The bomber is quickly whisked to a location in Vesper not a screen away from the docks. I plant the bomb at Gol's feet and set off the stack. But here's the thing about dropping bombs on people in town. If you die during the process, then any bomb that goes off after your death is ineffective. I foolishly stand too close to the pile and with forty-five strength die quite quickly. Fortune has abandoned me.

But all isn't lost, I think. I instant res on the spot. The real chumbucket still has a single explosion pot and Gol is quite a way down on his health bar. A little luck and that one pot will do the job. I throw it. So much for luck: It hurts him a decent amount, but he lives and I--once again standing too close--die. Dammit. This is getting annoying.

I instant res one more time. How could I possibly kill him? I check my inventories. I have reagents, but no magery on the bomber. I have a hatchet, but no swordsmanship either. My only choice is wildly swinging at this guy with the hatchet until he goes down. And so I begin.

Naturally, I miss a lot. I occasionally land a blow and take a small amount of health from him, but he is gaining it back faster than I am taking it. Things look grim. But I notice that I am also gaining swordsmanship, tactics and anatomy from this process. The blow comes more frequently. Success is assured!

Or not. At this point, I had moved the ship back out to sea to avoid any unfortunate incidents with the local guards. Gol awakens and has other ideas. He commands this ship to go backwards, towards town. If he makes it, he will surely call the guards and I will be back to square one. I do the only thing I can think to do.

Gol: backwards!

Tillerman: Aye aye sir!

chumbucket: Forward!

Tillerman: Aye aye sir!

Gol: backwards!

Tillerman: Aye aye sir!

chumbucket: Forward!

Tillerman: Aye aye sir!

This goes on for some time. But I never let up with the hatchet. By now my swordsmanship is a respectable ten or so, and it is clear I will win this struggle. He tries to run, but his stamina gives out. Down goes Gol! Victory is mine! Yes we can! I need only wait for the body to decay and I can easily dock the boat.

But Fortune still has it in for me. A few moments go by and in comes Khadgar, recalling off his second key no doubt. He wastes no time in throwing an energy bolt at my bomber. Down he goes. But the real chumbucket is hidden next to him. I could just play it cool and hope he leaves the ship. I decide against caution and go for his black pearl. I only manage to grab a handful. He throws out another energy bolt, but it doesn't work since we are back in town.

I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I cannot hurt him with my magic. He cannot hurt me with his. How can we resolve our differences? My thought is daemons. I go for the summon, only to fail. His thinking is a bit clearer. He goes for the energy vortex. And he doesn't fail.

I don't know if you have ever been confined to a small place with an energy vortex on your back, but you're not likely to survive. I try for a recall, but can't get it off. And I'm dead.

But that's OK. Energy vortexes don't tend to like anyone, even the people who bring them in to the world. At least he'll be killed and, since both keys are on the deck, no one will get the ship.

But Fortune once again steps in to display her big middle finger. Khadgar casts dispel, the energy vortex disappears, Khadgar lives and I have lost. I make a few vain efforts to instant res the bomber and make trouble, but it is clear that there is nothing I can do. I have utterly failed.

[chumbucket]

Two more!

[Teknix]

good story

[Psilo]

Very nice.